Stonch lives in London, where he runs a pub.One way to improve beer festivals
Last week I spent two evenings at CAMRA's London Drinker festival. When one of the capital's biggest festivals is within walking distance of home, it would be rude not to. As usual I came away with mixed feelings. On one hand, you've got access to a remarkable selection of cask and international beers. It's a great chance to challenge your drinking habits with new flavours and styles not available in your local pub. Having visited lots of CAMRA festivals, I'm learning to live with the lack of music, the uninspiring municipal venues and the soup kitchen cuisine. But there's one thing I can't tolerate any longer. Someone needs to speak up.
I'm talking about the farts. Almost every conversation you have is broken up by an onslaught of nostril-searing arse-gas. Eyes begin to dart around anxiously, playground rhymes run through your head as you consider whether to cry foul. Culprits might sheepishly retreat (although they never own up), but some are so brazen, you wonder whether they realise that dropping your guts in a public place is a faux pas. It's just completely unacceptable. Yes, I recognise that when you put a lot of blokes together in a confined space and pour beer down their necks, there will be problems. But really, fellas, is a little restraint too much to ask for?
UPDATE: I've added a photgraph of two typical festival goers. This was taken at the GBBF. Note that the young lady in the background looks distinctly uneasy. She should be - it's only a matter of time until one of those two miscreants lets rip.
25 comments:
The annual CAMRA NI gig in Belfast each November always has music, and not of the sphincter-generated variety.
It was held in a particularly airy exhibition hall last year, with loads of room for the miasma level to remain above nose height.
Don't always agree with you Stonch, but on this one I do. At the Cambridge Winter festival some disgusting oaf sitting near me let rip with the sort of guff that could strip paint at 40 paces. He seemed extremely proud. I suspected that he lived on his own. These people should be banished from society.
Hah, I Twittered this from the Pig's Ear festival last December :
At the Pig's Ear beer festival in Hackney. Despite the metropolitan venue, the real ale stereotypes are out in force, the air thick with Sodium Chuffate.
It was stomach-churning, and this was in a relatively airy venue. At the London Drinker, it was so packed that me and the missus couldn't really move around much, so perhaps we just got lucky and ended up in a relatively guff-free zone.
I'm pleased this hasn't fallen on deaf ears. Perhaps CAMRA should erect signs at events reminding folk of their obligations to others. Better still, there could be a designated farting area outside. I suspect we'd then be freed of the anorak/hiking boots/rucksack brigade in the main hall.
Perhaps the farters should be put out with the smokers - a heady and combustible mix!
Mandatory Beanohttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beano_(dietary_supplement) for every person admitted. Double doses for those over 50.
Brendan that's an excellent suggestion. Better still, ask brewers participating in the festival to slip it in their ales - unreliable source.
I think it was Nietzsche who said "where there is beer there are farts" or it might have been my mate Dave.There is always music at the St Albans beer festival,Dr feelgood last year,which was very popular,but with all those bodies in the place ,it didnt half make the beer warm.Maybe having someone like Amy Beerhouse playing would be a good idea.I remember a punk band called Serious Drinking ,did a song called "hes an angry Bastard" .Anyway Im going of on a tangent and me mums calling me down for tea.Carefree.
i bet doctor robbles could give them a run for their money
You needn't worry that the two puffguts in your photo are about to backfire: look closely and you'll see they're made of plastic.
That's just the deathly pallour caused by a lifetime of cornish pasties and pints of bitter.
I was also there Stonch, and you're right about the smells wafting around. Definately agree with the idea of sticking them out with the smokers, it would be amusing to watch if nothing else. And useful if anybody waiting in the queue wanted to read, or something.
Festival was good though, Dark Star APA the pick for me. Sadly I didn't get to Brew Dog's Mild.
Richard
The BeerCast
Richard, then you'll be pleased to hear that Dark Star APA was voted beer of the festival.
this is absolutely disgusting
your mind is in the gutter!
funny though
The absence of music and the delightfully fruity, farty aroma are the main reasons I go to beer festivals. That and seeing men drinking out of girl's glasses.
Totally agree. There are generally some dodgy odours at beer festivals, not all of which come from the beer.
I've been known to take filthy old bastards to task for doing this in the pub. gawd knows what it's like if you get hundreds of them together
While this is all good knockabout fun, I suspect this farting problem, if it exists, is more of a Southern thing. That's where all the bearded stereotypes (and latent farters it seems)live. We don't seem to attract that type up North or maybe we just ventilate better?
Even if you believe this nonsense, you are asked to make the startling assumption that only bearded old men fart! This strikes me as a wind up post with just enough serious content to draw people in. While all of us have experienced the odd unwelcome bit of gut dropping in the pub and elsewhere, it is not the problem alleged here. This is a clever, funny (slightly offensive) post. It panders to the worst of stereotyping, but it does not expose a real problem.
didnt have a problem with this in Leeds, although i recall one debauched evening in Dublin being marred significantly by the fact taht every pub seemed to reek. that, or every pub was boiling veggies en masse in thier kitchens!!
This is a clever, funny (slightly offensive) post
Thank you, Tandleman. Praise indeed. My work here is done. I am tempted to retire on a high.
I went to see The Cure last night after a bit of a session during the day, and am pleased to report I had my 'personal space' in the 'mosh pit' enlarged by the issue of a series of comfortably-discharged trouser coughs. That'll teach 'the kidz' to ignore the smoking ban!
-- Boggle
Retire on a high. Blimey, when did you last work?
It's quite a skill being able to sneak one out without anyone realising you are the culprit, once you've aquired it though it becomes one of lifes little pleasures :P
Its the downside of the smoking bans in pubs in Oz, now the places smell of spilt booze, BO and, you guessed it farts.
There's a pub in Germany that has a hole in the wall, so people can stick their heads through it and have a fag without going outside. Now if there was a second hole a bit lower...
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